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Thoughts at Sunrise {Drizzt} [Oct. 18th, 2005|10:19 pm]
Evil Yaoi Girls Club



Kelvin's Cairn always seems to be so much more majestic in the minutes when the sun crests above the water. Cain normally joins me in my early ritual, however his work at the forges has tired him these last several days. Bruenor has said good things of his progress to me of late.

I was surprised at the swell of pride in my chest at my old friend's words of praise. Perhaps, though, I shouldn't have been. I should have expected it. Cain has shown so much progress, so much enthusiasm and excitement... I know now that he truly is my fosterling. That I share his care with others makes no difference.

It gives me to wonder... is this what a father feels when his son does well in the trials that life gives us? A simple question, but not so simple an answer. Cain is often jaded, in manners and in speech; but he is equally innocent and curious about a great many things.

Subtle things inspire curiosity, no matter how small they may seem. A graceful gesture from Stumpet as she performs her religious duties; the way the dwarves can cause magnificent changes with a slight adjustment of angle with the hammer as they craft; even the most minor twist of my wrists as I go through my personal training exercises with my blades. Cain is insatiable about these things, always wanting to know the hows and whys of what we're doing.

I take pleasure in explaining these things. More so than if he were simply any other youth. Stumpet and I have spoken about this matter, as have Lady Kudou and I. Stumpet I speak with because I know well her wisdom. The Lady Kudou I speak with because she is, above all else, a mother and would better understand my feelings than any other.

The pride Cain gives me when he smiles, when he does well, when he is eager to take on a new challenge... It is the same kind that a father, a parent, might feel. In my days with Zaknafein... did he feel such things about me? I pray to the gods he did. Now that I am experiencing these things on my own, I'd like to think that I inspired such feelings in my own father. I'm certain it was difficult for him with his concerns that my time in the lightless depths might have corrupted me.

I have no such fears for Cain. I work to undo the corruption he has had to live with since he was born, though I doubt that is the proper terminology for how he came into life. I strive, everytime we are together, to give him what he never could have gotten from the creature that brought him into being. I cherish the memories we make: each smile, each true laugh, his desire to learn from me, his need to hear me praise him when he does well, his questions when his curiosity gets the better of him...

Yes... I feel very much like a father... and I want to keep that as strong as possible.

He is growing close to adulthood, in body if not in mind. Stumpet has spoken to me of this because Cain has no surname. Had he been born and raised properly, he would have carried one from birth. However, because of his special circumstances, he has been denied this part of his own identity. Stumpet's suggested that, once he's completed his early training at the forges, that he be given or allowed to choose a surname.

I don't know how to approach him about this. There are many names he could take... Bruenor has told me, privately, that Cain is a member of Clan Battlehammer in heart if not in blood. But, even members of the dwarven clan have different surnames.

It would be a lie if I said that I had not considered giving him my own surname. I have no children of my own, nor do I think I will ever sire them. While the name Dourdenthe is a foul thing, I'd like to think that Do'Urden has been given honor through my actions and the few free actions my father was allowed. Do'Urden is a name that is known, respected, and even sometimes feared all along the Sea of Swords.

Ah, but my thoughts are divided this day. As fleeting as the wind that blows over the tundra of Icewind Dale. Now that they've run into the wall of this matter, they shift to another who occupies my feelings of late.

Randy McLane.

He is nearly the opposite of Cain. Where Cain is sure of himself so often, Randy is uncertain. Everytime I find a bracket of Tundra Roses, my thoughts shift to him and a smile finds its way to my face. He is gentle and intelligent, a man of considerable talents. One who inspires a desire to protect and comfort. A man who, without intention, draws me to share of myself in ways I would never think to save, perhaps, for Cattie-Bri and Alustriel.

What manner of man was this Dee Laytner that he did not wish to do these things for him? The more I hear about him, the more I detest the man for what he has done... for cultivating the reactions I see Randy give. No one should startle so easily at a simple touch, yet starve for that touch all the same.

And Randy does starve. He is as starved for someone who will take his needs to heart as much as I was starved for acceptance in a world that looks upon my race with fear, disgust, and hatred. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in his touch, and taste it in his kiss.

Randy's kisses are sweet; like the honey confections one can purchase in the southern quarter of Waterdeep. These kisses, however, can not be purchased or stolen... They have to be earned. I have been blessed with a few, even more so that he bestowed them upon me of his own will and desire. He is to me as the dawning of the sun in my rituals... A beautiful, wondrous thing that I miss when it's gone and long for until the next morn.

He deserves a partner who is respectful of his wishes, devoted to his feelings as well as their own, and capable of seeing when he's pushed himself too far. Randy does that too often for my peace of mind, I fear. I do what I can when we see each other, but I wonder if it's enough.

Through the resources at my disposal, I have an understanding of what he endures at home. Because of my own experiences with Cain, I also understand how compounded that is with his own fosterling. Stack onto all of that his necessity at avoiding two individuals in his workplace.

Now that I truly think on it, I should do far more for him. I think I would rather face a horde of oncoming orcs, goblins, and gnolls before I would allow him to have to endure both Dee Laytner and Berkeley Rose. Truly a frightening thought.

Speaking of goblins...

I see a small band of them wandering over the snow. My thoughts can wait, I fear, as they're armed for battle. I'll write more after I've ascertained their intentions.