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Equivalent Trade (Edward) [Oct. 6th, 2005|05:06 am]
Evil Yaoi Girls Club


Oh man, it's been ages since I've written in this thing. Years even. I forgot I was keeping a journal, actually with everything that happened. But now that I've come back to Munich, I have time to decompress and write everything.

I'm feeling lost.

[I'm sorry, I was staring at that for awhile. I meant to write this faster.]

Right then...lost. Never mind what happened in Amestris. I don't really need to worry about that anymore...or right now anyway. Basically the biggest things that have happened was that I was attacked here in Munich-

[Crap, I smudged that. Damn drunkards out partying. Every year I forget about Oktoberfest before it comes back around again.]

I was attacked by some creatures that hurt me and sent me to the Inne for awhile. You'd think that have been good, because I really like it there. Usually, but something happened with Zidane...I don't really want to explain it again, for sake of reliving it. It's driving me crazy as is.

Anyway so I get back today, finally, and Al looks at me like I've grown a second head and demands to know what I've been up to. Sure, I'll have to deal with his anger for awhile, but it's okay. He'll get over it. I think he already did, he gave me some work to do. I think I'm going to be happy doing this for awhile.

I'd write about Zi some more, but I just don't know what to say except I'm confused. I'm confused because I love him and I can't trust him...at least somehow, I don't feel like I can trust him. Man I'm fucked up in the head. He promises me and I can't accept that. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know Mama Kudou said it wasn't my fault, but I'm not sure that's entirely true. If I hadn't lost my temper then we wouldn't be fighting and things would be fine between us.

Okay, maybe not, maybe that's a little optimistic...and yeah, what Zi did was really shitty and almost unforgivable, but...I still love him. When he freaked out in the bath house the last time someone came in hurt I just wanted to comfort him and make him feel better...so I know I still love him. I'm just not sure that's enough right now.

Yeah, I was avoiding him. I feel bad about that, but there's not much else I can do. I can't talk to him because I feel really weird. I guess it's like something is being held over our heads...because it is. Somehow I know this is me, because I can't let go. I'm trying so hard and I can't let go. Why can't I let go?

Why did he have to take it that one step too far? And why does that one thing make me want to stay away now? I mean...I love him, I like to be with him. Or I did...

I don't know how this can be fixed...if it can be fixed.

No, I can't think like that. I need Zidane. It has to be fixed, somehow.