|Equivalent Trade (Edward)
||[Oct. 6th, 2005|05:06 am]
Evil Yaoi Girls Club
Oh man, it's been ages since I've written in this thing. Years even. I
forgot I was keeping a journal, actually with everything that happened.
But now that I've come back to Munich, I have time to decompress and
I'm feeling lost.
[I'm sorry, I was staring at that for awhile. I meant to write this faster.]
Right then...lost. Never mind what happened in Amestris. I don't really
need to worry about that anymore...or right now anyway. Basically the
biggest things that have happened was that I was attacked here in
[Crap, I smudged that. Damn drunkards out partying. Every year I forget about Oktoberfest before it comes back around again.]
I was attacked by some creatures that hurt me and sent me to the Inne
for awhile. You'd think that have been good, because I really like it
there. Usually, but something happened with Zidane...I don't really
want to explain it again, for sake of reliving it. It's driving me
crazy as is.
Anyway so I get back today, finally, and Al looks at me like I've grown
a second head and demands to know what I've been up to. Sure, I'll have
to deal with his anger for awhile, but it's okay. He'll get over it. I
think he already did, he gave me some work to do. I think I'm going to
be happy doing this for awhile.
I'd write about Zi some more, but I just don't know what to say except
I'm confused. I'm confused because I love him and I can't trust
him...at least somehow, I don't feel like I can trust him. Man I'm
fucked up in the head. He promises me and I can't accept that. What the
hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know Mama Kudou said it wasn't my
fault, but I'm not sure that's entirely true. If I hadn't lost my
temper then we wouldn't be fighting and things would be fine between us.
Okay, maybe not, maybe that's a little optimistic...and yeah, what Zi
did was really shitty and almost unforgivable, but...I still love him.
When he freaked out in the bath house the last time someone came in
hurt I just wanted to comfort him and make him feel better...so I know
I still love him. I'm just not sure that's enough right now.
Yeah, I was avoiding him. I feel bad about that, but there's not much
else I can do. I can't talk to him because I feel really weird. I guess
it's like something is being held over our heads...because it is.
Somehow I know this is me, because I can't let go. I'm trying so hard
and I can't let go. Why can't I let go?
Why did he have to take it that one step too far? And why does that one
thing make me want to stay away now? I mean...I love him, I like to be
with him. Or I did...
I don't know how this can be fixed...if it can be fixed.
No, I can't think like that. I need Zidane. It has to be fixed, somehow.